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Brian O'Connell's Top Ten Jokes
Paddy O'Reiley, a famous Irish Rebel, walks into London's
Pig & Whistle Pub. The barman says, Paddy replies, "Look. This is the famous Pig & Whistle.
I'm meeting a lad "NO! I'm not servin' you!" "OH, come now. It's only ONE pint!" "NO! I'm not servin' you!" "Just ONE pint. I'll sit here quietly..." "NO! NO! NO!" Frustrated, Paddy asks "Can I see the manager?" The barman replies, "I am the manager." Paddy then states, "Well, then. Could I see Mister Whistle???" What's the difference between an Irish Wake and an Irish Wedding? One less drunk. It can be stated with all scientific fact, that wherever you find four Irishmen gathered together, you're sure to find a fifth. THE 12 Things NOT to say to Sergeant O'Malley when you get pulled over. 1. "I can't reach my license unless you hold my Guinness." 2. "Sorry Sergeant, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Can we give that another GO?" 3. "Might you be the guy from the Village People?" 4. "Hey, you must've been doing about 125 m.p.h. to keep up me. Before you made Sergeant, were you a race-car driver?" 5. "Are you Andy or Barney?" 6. "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer." 7. "You're not gonna search the trunk, are you?" 8. "I pay your salary!" 9. "Gee, Sergeant, that's terrific! Officer McNamara gave me a warning, as well!" 10. "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, great. I'm glad one of us is clear on that." 11. "I was just trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how bloody far ahead they are." 12. When O'Malley says, "Gee, laddie, your eyes look red, have you been nippin'?" DO NOT RESPOND WITH " Gee, Sergeant, your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?" Mulligan's Recepie For Stew: 1. Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout & Jameson's Irish Whiskey. 2. Drink all of the stout & whiskey. 3. Forget about the stew. Q: Why did God invent whiskey? A: So the Irish wouldn't conquer the globe. A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other." The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, that I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too." His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan. O'Connell was staggering home one winter night with a glass pint of "Jameson's" in his back pocket. He slipped on a patch of ice and fell hard on his arse. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg to which he cried aloud: "Please, GOD! Let it be blood!" A day at an Irish Lawyer's Office "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor. Sure now, we only have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always the first one out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Well, sure now, he plays the tin whistle and the bodhran, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have!!!" "Bless you, sir. But we're not wealthy. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "That's more to the point. Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." You're never quite sure of the ingredients and the spices change from time to time, but the flavor's just right for a taste of home.
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©2003 Mulligan Stew
